The wedding guest list: deciding who to invite, tier by tier

The guest list is the first decision that touches everything else: the venue size, the catering bill, the number of tables, the postage. It's also the one most likely to start a family argument, so go gently. Here's a method that turns "who do we invite?" into a series of smaller, answerable questions.

1. Build the long list without judging it

Each partner writes down everyone they could imagine inviting. Parents get to add names too, but on their own list. Nobody edits anyone else's list yet. The point is to get every name out of heads and onto one sheet, as households: "Priya and Dev, 2" rather than two separate rows.

Tag each household with three things:

• Side: yours, your partner's, or both.
• Group: family, friends, work, parents' friends, and so on.
• Tier: how essential they are. We use four: top priority, nice to invite, if space allows, and children.

The tiers are the whole trick. Nobody is cut; they're sorted.

2. Get the two numbers that set the ceiling

Before you argue about any single name, find out:

1. How many people the venue holds for a seated dinner. Not the cocktail capacity.
2. How many guests the budget affords. Divide your target budget by a realistic cost per guest. If you don't have the cost yet, use the per-guest figure from the budget calculator as a starting point.

The lower of the two is your ceiling. Write it next to the list.

3. Add up the tiers in order

Count the households in the top tier, multiplied by their party sizes. Then add the next tier. Then the next. Somewhere in that sequence the running total crosses the ceiling. That's your line.

Everyone above the line is invited. Everyone below is the B list, and that's not an insult: when top-tier guests decline, and some will, B-list households get an invitation in the second wave. Most couples lose 10 to 20 percent to declines, more for destination weddings.

Do the arithmetic with a tool rather than in your head. The budget calculator's what-if shows the maximum affordable guest count, and Linenfold counts the tiers for you, live, from your real guest list, so the moment the list changes you see which tier breaks the budget or the room.

4. Settle the plus-one rule once

Decide a rule and apply it to everyone, because the exceptions are what cause the hurt feelings. Common rules, from most to least generous:

• Everyone gets a plus-one.
• Married, engaged and cohabiting partners are invited by name; single guests don't get a plus-one.
• Plus-ones only for guests who won't know anyone else there.

The middle option is the usual compromise. Write the rule down; you'll need it for the awkward conversation in a few months.

5. Decide on children the same way

"No kids" is a rule. "Kids in the family only" is a rule. "Kids over twelve" is a rule. "Some kids" is not a rule, it's a future problem. Pick one, apply it everywhere, and put children in their own tier so you can see their count separately. They cost less per head but they do take chairs.

6. Handle the parents' lists with a quota, not a veto

If parents are contributing to the budget, a fair approach is a fixed number of invitations per set of parents. Fifteen each, say. They choose who fills them. If they're not contributing, they still get a number, just a smaller one. What they don't get is a line-by-line veto over your friends, and you don't get one over theirs.

7. Collect addresses as you go, not at the end

The moment the list is roughly settled, send guests a link to add their own mailing address. Chasing addresses the week the invitations arrive from the printer is one of the least pleasant tasks in planning. Linenfold's address collection link does this on the free plan: guests fill in their household details and they land in the right row of your list, ready for the save-the-dates.

8. Keep the list alive through RSVPs

The guest list isn't finished when the invitations go out. Track the RSVP status per household, the attending count against the invited count, dietary needs, and the table assignment once the seating chart exists. One list, with those columns, is the source for the caterer's final count, the escort cards and the thank-you notes. Our guide to the seating chart picks up from here.

Frequently asked questions

How many guests should we invite? As many as the lower of venue capacity and budget allows, counted by tier. There's no correct number, only a number that fits.

What percentage of guests decline? Plan on 10 to 20 percent for a local wedding and up to 30 percent for a destination one. Invite the B list as declines arrive.

Is it rude to have a B list? No, as long as the second-wave invitations go out early enough to be sincere. Send them within a week of the first declines.

Do we have to invite people who invited us to theirs? No. Your guest list is yours. Reciprocity is a nice reason to invite someone, not an obligation.

Start with the numbers: pop your budget and guest count into the free budget calculator, then create a free account to build your tiered list, collect addresses and move on to seating.