LGBTQ+ wedding planning: names, the aisle, legal steps

Most wedding advice is written for one bride and one groom, and a lot of it still assumes who stands where, who walks in last and whose parents pay for what. Two brides, two grooms, or a couple where one or both of you are nonbinary can keep any of those traditions, change them or leave them out. This guide covers the parts that come up most: what to call everyone, who walks when, the legal steps, and a checklist with the extra questions worth asking.

What to call each other

Start with your own titles, because everything else (the invitations, the program, the toasts, the officiant's script) follows from them. Some options couples use:

• Bride and bride, or groom and groom.
• Bride and groom when it fits the two of you, whatever your genders.
• Partner, spouse or nearlywed for one of you or both, when "bride" and "groom" don't fit.
• Your first names and no title at all.

There's no need for you to match. Tell your officiant, your planner, the DJ or band and your photographer in writing which words to use for each of you, and ask them to put those words in their own notes too.

Gender-neutral wedding party terms

The jobs in a wedding party are the same whoever does them; our wedding party duties guide lists them role by role. The titles are yours to choose:

| Traditional | Gender-neutral or mixed options | |---|---| | Maid of honor, best man | Person of honor, honor attendant, best person, man of honor, best woman | | Bridesmaids, groomsmen | Attendants, the wedding party, bridesmen, groomswomen, "Jordan's crew" | | Flower girl, ring bearer | Flower child, petal tosser, ring bearer (already neutral) | | Mother and father of the bride | Parents of the couple, or each parent by name | | Bride's side, groom's side | Friends of Jordan, friends of Sam, or one side for everyone |

You don't have to split your people into two equal teams. Many couples have attendants of every gender standing on both sides, or each have one person of honor and no one else.

Who walks when

There's no fixed order, which means you get to choose what feels right. The common options:

1. One after the other. Each of you walks in, alone or with a parent or someone close, and you decide who goes first. Some couples flip a coin; some let the more nervous one go first and get it over with.
2. Together. You walk in side by side, which many couples find calmer and which makes a lovely photo.
3. From two aisles. You each start at the back of a different aisle and meet at the front at the same moment.
4. Already at the front. You're both waiting when guests arrive, and only the wedding party walks in.

Then decide who stands on which side. It makes no difference to the ceremony, so pick by what looks best in the photos or by where each of your families sits. The same freedom applies to the recessional, the first dance, the toasts and the order on the invitation: alphabetical, whoever's family is hosting, or whichever order sounds best out loud.

The legal steps

Same-sex marriage is legal everywhere in the United States since 2015, and everywhere in Canada since 2005. The legal steps are the same as for any couple:

1. Get the marriage license from the county clerk (in the US) or the province or territory (in Canada) within the window before the wedding it allows. Check the application's wording; many now say spouse or applicant rather than bride and groom, and the office can tell you how they record each of you.
2. Check your officiant is authorized to marry you where the wedding takes place, and that they're comfortable with your wording.
3. Arrange witnesses if your jurisdiction needs them; usually two adults who sign the license with you.
4. Get certified copies of the marriage certificate once it's registered. You'll need them for name changes, insurance, benefits and immigration.

Our guide to wedding legal paperwork walks through each step in order, with the official pages for the US, Canada and Ontario.

For a wedding abroad, check that the country will marry the two of you and that your home country recognizes the marriage. Many couples marry legally at home and hold the celebration abroad, which avoids both questions.

Changing your names

Either of you can take the other's surname, you can both hyphenate, combine them into a new name or keep your own. How you do it differs by state and province: in the US a marriage certificate is usually enough to take a spouse's surname, while a new combined name may need a court order, and in Quebec spouses keep their birth names by law and change them only through the civil registry. Check the rules where you live before you start, and book any honeymoon travel in the name on your passport.

An LGBTQ+ wedding planning checklist

Everything on a standard wedding checklist applies. Our free wedding checklist has 111 tasks dated back from your wedding day, and our guide to how to start planning a wedding puts the first ones in order. These are the extra questions worth adding:

• Agree your titles and tell every vendor in writing.
• Talk about family early. Work out who's supportive, who might need a conversation first, and whether anyone shouldn't be invited. A smaller, happier guest list is a fine outcome; our guest list guide has a way to decide.
• Ask every vendor the same few questions: Have you worked with couples like us? Will your contracts, forms and scripts use our words? Will your whole team, on the day, do the same? A vendor who hesitates has answered. Our questions to ask wedding vendors has the rest.
• Check the venue, and for a destination wedding the local laws and attitudes, before you pay a deposit.
• Decide which traditions to keep: who walks when, who gives a toast, a first look, a garter or bouquet toss, who pays for what. Our guide to who pays for the wedding covers how families split the costs today.
• Plan the legal steps: the license, the officiant, witnesses, certified copies and any name changes.
• Choose your wedding party titles and tell your attendants what you're hoping they'll do.

Your titles in Linenfold

In Linenfold, each of you picks your own title when you set up the wedding: Groom, Bride, Partner, Spouse, Nearlywed or any word you type. Two brides, two grooms, a bride and a partner: any pair works, and you can change them in Settings at any time. Everything named from your titles follows them, such as the parents' roles in the wedding party and the attire lines in the budget, until you edit one yourself, and every list of roles can be renamed or added to.

Start with the free wedding checklist and the free budget calculator, and when you'd like to plan in one place together, create a free account.