Who pays for the wedding? Tradition and today

"Who pays for the wedding?" used to have a fixed answer: the bride's parents paid for nearly all of it, and the groom's family covered a short list of extras. Today most couples pay a large share themselves, families give what they can, and the split is whatever the people involved agree. This guide sets out the traditional list, how the money usually comes together now, and how to ask, agree and keep track without anyone feeling awkward.

The traditional split, line by line

Tradition is still worth knowing, because parents and grandparents often expect it, and because it gives you a starting point to talk from. The old convention, as most etiquette books set it out:

The bride and her family

• The ceremony venue and the reception: food, drink, the venue hire and the rentals.
• The wedding dress and the bridesmaids' flowers.
• Photography and video.
• The invitations, stationery and postage.
• Flowers and decor for the ceremony and the reception.
• Music, the cake and the transport for the wedding party.

The groom and his family

• The rehearsal dinner.
• The officiant's fee and the marriage license.
• The bride's engagement ring and wedding ring.
• The bride's bouquet, the boutonnieres and the corsages for the mothers and grandmothers.
• The honeymoon.

The wedding party and guests

• Attendants pay for their own outfits and travel. Our wedding party duties guide covers what else each role usually takes on.
• Guests pay their own travel and hotel, unless the couple offers to.

Who pays for the wedding today

Few families follow the old list now. The biggest wedding sites' surveys find the same thing year after year: couples pay a large share themselves, often the largest, and both families contribute when they can. Couples marry later and often earn already, many weddings join two families who both want to help, and a family may have more than one wedding to pay for.

The common arrangements now:

1. The couple pays for it all. It keeps every decision with the two of you, and nobody has a say because they paid.
2. Each family gives an amount into the pot, and the couple decides how to spend it. This is the most common shape.
3. Each family covers specific things: "we'll pay for the bar", "we'll host the rehearsal dinner". Easy to track and easy to say thank you for.
4. A mix: a lump sum from one side, a line item from the other, and the couple covers the rest.

None of these is more correct than the others. What matters is that everyone knows which one you're using before any deposits are paid.

How to ask parents for wedding money

The hard part is the first conversation. A few things make it easier:

• Talk before you plan. Ask before you visit venues, so the budget is built on real figures. Our guide to how to start planning a wedding puts this talk right after the engagement.
• Ask each family on its own. Comparing one side's offer with the other's in the same room puts everyone on the spot.
• Ask an open question, not for a figure: "We're starting to plan and want to know where we stand. Were you hoping to help, and if so, is there an amount or a part of the day you'd like to cover?"
• Accept "no" or "not much" gracefully. Many parents can't give, or are saving for retirement. Thank them and move on; their being there is the point.
• Agree whether it comes with a say. If a parent pays for the reception, do they expect to add guests, or to choose the menu? Ask now, kindly, rather than finding out in month eight.

When one family gives more than the other

It happens more often than not, and it doesn't have to be uneven on the day. Keep the amounts private between the couple and each family. Thank each one for what they give, not for how it compares. If a larger contribution comes with requests, like more guests, agree a number in advance; our guest list guide has a fair way to split the list between families.

If one family can't contribute at all, nobody else needs to know. A wedding where the bride and groom said thank you to both families for being there reads the same to every guest.

Write down who's chipping in

However you split it, write down three things for each person contributing:

1. What they've pledged: an amount, or the item they're covering.
2. What they've paid so far, and towards which vendor.
3. What's still to come, and when.

Then build the budget on the pledges that are actually agreed, not the ones you hope for. Our guide to setting a wedding budget shows how to split the total by category and keep a buffer, and the free budget calculator does the split for you. Once you know your date, the free wedding checklist puts the money conversations and the deposits in order.

Who's chipping in, in Linenfold

In Linenfold's Budget, the bride, the groom and both sets of parents are already listed as contributors, on every plan, with a place for what each has pledged. The overview shows each person's share of the total. With Complete you can also:

• Add more contributors, like grandparents or a godparent.
• Log every payment against the person who made it, so Paid and Still to come keep themselves up to date.

See what each plan includes on the pricing page, and when you're ready to plan it together, create a free account.